Self Image Issues
So I want to talk about something we hear about A LOT now a days. Self image.... I don't want to argue about men sexualizing women or visa versa.... I am talking about personal self image. Being happy with your own shape and size. Everything to weight, fat, height, curves, no curves, scars, hair type, stretch marks, etc... And especially from a female's point of view and especially after having kids.
Growing up I was a stickly skinny petite 94 lbs teen. I lacked curves and was always extremely self conscious about shopping for tops and bathing suits as I barely qualified for a 32AA and extra smalls were often too big... I don't wanna hear the bitching of boohoo's because I had friends just as tiny dealing with DD's+ and I know how many issues they had but in the other direction of things being too small and back aches. My legs make up over half my height and before they had "long" options, trying to find pants that didn't fall off my ass or look like I was waiting for a flood was another chore too. Eventually as I got older I found more things that fit but my self image didn't change.
I was active and stayed toned. I may not of had boobs but I had a flat tummy. I didn't care when I reached up stretching to grab something if my shirt lifted and an inch or two of my stomach showed and I didn't care my legs made all my shorts and skirts appear like they were too short. But I did hate how open people were to insult me. Today, if a comment is made to a curvy girl in regards to fat, that person will receive some major backlash as it's now constantly splashed every where from tv to social media that curves are beautiful and I am not arguing, to a degree. But the skinny girls don't have any easier. I can't even count how many times someone felt it was appropriate to openly mock my size, tell me to eat a hamburger, ask if I starve myself or ask of I threw up after I ate. It's insulting yet apparently allowed. Which is not okay either.
But here I am, four babies later and 30 lbs heavier than I was. It's not much more, but I no longer worry about small and extra small tops being too big. If anything I worry if they're too small to cover my mid section. I am no longer toned. My stomach is not flat and constitutes as a "muffin top". I have stretch marks and what I call the "dreaded mom tummy" that I'm sure will only be eliminated by a tummy tuck if I ever want a flat stomach again and I'll be damned before I ever wear another midriff or bikini. My arms are twice as big as they used to be and jiggle, right along with my legs and the other day I wanted to cry as I saw the beginning stages of fat dimples on the back of my thighs.... Top this off with the grey hair that I have been trying to dye away for the last few years (and I'm still in my 20's!) and you now have a whole lot of new self image issues.
Don't judge - "The Dreaded Mom Tummy" that never seems to go away despite how many crunches you do....
These issues are ones I put on myself. I compare myself to how I used to be, how others are compared to me and I even let it affect my relationships. My husband will compliment me and I do nothing but insult myself rejecting his compliments, which in turn is a rejection of him too.
To top all of this off I have 2 daughters, my oldest being very impressionable right now, that I worry about picking up on these self image issues. I have teased my grey hair is their fault but I will never forget the time my oldest was about 2-3 years old and as a very heavy set cashier was ringing up our groceries, my daughter very loudly said to me "when I grow up, I don't want to be fat like her". Or how last summer my daughter didn't want to wear her bathing suit, which was one of those tankini kinds, because her tummy stuck out and then she became worried about being fat, which she isn't. We have discussed how everyone is different, size, shapes and color, and how there is a big difference between being fat and being curvey and how it's important to make sure you eat healthy and stay active/exercise vs eating junk all the time and sitting around playing video games and watching tv all the time. This seemed to help but I have had to really watch myself as I sometimes I slip the phrase "I feel fat".
I have been working hard to be happy with my new body, but I also am not gonna just settle for what it is now either. I don't feel healthy. I can't run upstairs to grab something without gasping for breath before I reach the top steps - and I quit smoking years ago! I hate how squished I feel in some of my clothes but if I go any size bigger then they're too big. I live in a desert where the temps get to 115+ degrees Fahrenheit and I will be wearing shorts and I don't want my thighs looking like cottage cheese. And I can't lift on things I could years ago without batting an eye. My 8 year old falls asleep in the car, I'm dragging her in as she's too heavy for me to carry; falls asleep downstairs on the couch instead of her bed, she sleeps on the couch.
So I made a resolution on New Years to get back into shape, to get healthy and to get happy with me- mentally, emotionally and physically. I cut out sodas other than rare ocasssions and cut back on sweets (which is hard as I am a huge sweet-tooth and that milky way bar is just ever so tempting). I took up a weekly meditative-stress relieving style yoga classes and even a pole dance & fitness class. And I was waking up early every other morning to exercise.
Then life happened....
That snooze button was just sooooo easy to push and apparently I could turn my multiple different alarms off in my sleep with them walking distance from my bed... My pole class ended and new classes haven't started as the instructor was moving. Work schedules changed and I could no longer make my Tuesday night yoga class or find the discipline to do yoga on my own at home.
So I recently started a new exercise routine. I was supposed to start on the 1st of this month, but that snooze button got me again. I started today. I want to liberate myself from my personal self image issues. I want to look in the mirror and smile at what I see, not tear up at how gross I feel. I want to set a positive example for my children and teach them about being healthy and being happy with however they are as long as they stay healthy. I want to run after and play with my kids and not feel like I'm gonna fall over from lack of oxygen after just a few short minutes. Partly, I am doing this for them but mostly I am doing this for me. Most women are like me, they have the imperfections that are shamed by the rare model body which has been airbrushed and photoshopped so much that the person looks un-human on the magazine covers we see everywhere. I need to feel my own worth beyond what society deems as being the right way a woman is supposed to look and I need to love me for it. Wish me luck, join me and I wish you luck in return!
Growing up I was a stickly skinny petite 94 lbs teen. I lacked curves and was always extremely self conscious about shopping for tops and bathing suits as I barely qualified for a 32AA and extra smalls were often too big... I don't wanna hear the bitching of boohoo's because I had friends just as tiny dealing with DD's+ and I know how many issues they had but in the other direction of things being too small and back aches. My legs make up over half my height and before they had "long" options, trying to find pants that didn't fall off my ass or look like I was waiting for a flood was another chore too. Eventually as I got older I found more things that fit but my self image didn't change.
I was active and stayed toned. I may not of had boobs but I had a flat tummy. I didn't care when I reached up stretching to grab something if my shirt lifted and an inch or two of my stomach showed and I didn't care my legs made all my shorts and skirts appear like they were too short. But I did hate how open people were to insult me. Today, if a comment is made to a curvy girl in regards to fat, that person will receive some major backlash as it's now constantly splashed every where from tv to social media that curves are beautiful and I am not arguing, to a degree. But the skinny girls don't have any easier. I can't even count how many times someone felt it was appropriate to openly mock my size, tell me to eat a hamburger, ask if I starve myself or ask of I threw up after I ate. It's insulting yet apparently allowed. Which is not okay either.
But here I am, four babies later and 30 lbs heavier than I was. It's not much more, but I no longer worry about small and extra small tops being too big. If anything I worry if they're too small to cover my mid section. I am no longer toned. My stomach is not flat and constitutes as a "muffin top". I have stretch marks and what I call the "dreaded mom tummy" that I'm sure will only be eliminated by a tummy tuck if I ever want a flat stomach again and I'll be damned before I ever wear another midriff or bikini. My arms are twice as big as they used to be and jiggle, right along with my legs and the other day I wanted to cry as I saw the beginning stages of fat dimples on the back of my thighs.... Top this off with the grey hair that I have been trying to dye away for the last few years (and I'm still in my 20's!) and you now have a whole lot of new self image issues.
Don't judge - "The Dreaded Mom Tummy" that never seems to go away despite how many crunches you do....
These issues are ones I put on myself. I compare myself to how I used to be, how others are compared to me and I even let it affect my relationships. My husband will compliment me and I do nothing but insult myself rejecting his compliments, which in turn is a rejection of him too.
To top all of this off I have 2 daughters, my oldest being very impressionable right now, that I worry about picking up on these self image issues. I have teased my grey hair is their fault but I will never forget the time my oldest was about 2-3 years old and as a very heavy set cashier was ringing up our groceries, my daughter very loudly said to me "when I grow up, I don't want to be fat like her". Or how last summer my daughter didn't want to wear her bathing suit, which was one of those tankini kinds, because her tummy stuck out and then she became worried about being fat, which she isn't. We have discussed how everyone is different, size, shapes and color, and how there is a big difference between being fat and being curvey and how it's important to make sure you eat healthy and stay active/exercise vs eating junk all the time and sitting around playing video games and watching tv all the time. This seemed to help but I have had to really watch myself as I sometimes I slip the phrase "I feel fat".
I have been working hard to be happy with my new body, but I also am not gonna just settle for what it is now either. I don't feel healthy. I can't run upstairs to grab something without gasping for breath before I reach the top steps - and I quit smoking years ago! I hate how squished I feel in some of my clothes but if I go any size bigger then they're too big. I live in a desert where the temps get to 115+ degrees Fahrenheit and I will be wearing shorts and I don't want my thighs looking like cottage cheese. And I can't lift on things I could years ago without batting an eye. My 8 year old falls asleep in the car, I'm dragging her in as she's too heavy for me to carry; falls asleep downstairs on the couch instead of her bed, she sleeps on the couch.
So I made a resolution on New Years to get back into shape, to get healthy and to get happy with me- mentally, emotionally and physically. I cut out sodas other than rare ocasssions and cut back on sweets (which is hard as I am a huge sweet-tooth and that milky way bar is just ever so tempting). I took up a weekly meditative-stress relieving style yoga classes and even a pole dance & fitness class. And I was waking up early every other morning to exercise.
Then life happened....
That snooze button was just sooooo easy to push and apparently I could turn my multiple different alarms off in my sleep with them walking distance from my bed... My pole class ended and new classes haven't started as the instructor was moving. Work schedules changed and I could no longer make my Tuesday night yoga class or find the discipline to do yoga on my own at home.
So I recently started a new exercise routine. I was supposed to start on the 1st of this month, but that snooze button got me again. I started today. I want to liberate myself from my personal self image issues. I want to look in the mirror and smile at what I see, not tear up at how gross I feel. I want to set a positive example for my children and teach them about being healthy and being happy with however they are as long as they stay healthy. I want to run after and play with my kids and not feel like I'm gonna fall over from lack of oxygen after just a few short minutes. Partly, I am doing this for them but mostly I am doing this for me. Most women are like me, they have the imperfections that are shamed by the rare model body which has been airbrushed and photoshopped so much that the person looks un-human on the magazine covers we see everywhere. I need to feel my own worth beyond what society deems as being the right way a woman is supposed to look and I need to love me for it. Wish me luck, join me and I wish you luck in return!
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