If It Works, Why Not?

   Its been a while, yet again, since I posted last.... I have been trying to heal emotionally and all the while keeping up with what everyday life has thrown at us.... I still cry when I think about my little angel and it makes me question my faith in anything.... I was raised in a very strict Roman Catholic family and I stopped participating in organized religion, going to mass, around my junior year of high school. I didn't agree with some of the church's teachings and I have issues with how many religions turn their backs on certain people or how too many attend church every Sunday but the rest of the week don't really do much that would be Christian like, or that do the opposite of what being a Christian (or any religious person) should do and they do it in the name of their religion.... And again, which religion is right after all? To me, I think the basic concepts of religion have been forgotten and exploited. I feel I am doing more good in the world if I spend my fr...

   I am such an emotional train wreck right now I don't even know where to start.... Thursday I broke my back tooth while eating pizza. It is my own fault as I waited too long to have the cap put on after my root canal... I had to have an emergency root canal while pregnant with Lily and the root canal capped out my insurance so I was waiting until the new year rolled over to have the cap/crown put on but then I found out I was pregnant with Pelia in January. With it already being such a high risk pregnancy and all the other complications, I didn't want any dental work to cause more stress on the pregnancy so I waited even longer, and I guess I waited too long... I have a last minute dentist appointment this evening to have it checked out and I am sure I will have to get an implant so that the tooth above it doesn't start to drop down.  To top it off when one of the mom's to my preschooler's came to pick up her daughter yesterday I asked that she make sure she was h...

I have so many things I want to say, so many feelings I want to share but don't know where to start... I guess the only rational place would be is to describe the facts of the situation first and let it flow from there.... I went to the ER on a Saturday, Jan 21st... I went in as I had started what I thought was my period that afternoon but by that night I started hemorrhaging and passing huge blood clots.... I found out it was because I was pregnant, which I had no idea of, and I was having a "threatened miscarriage" which was something I had never heard of....This was all a total shock and I was kept in the hospital until Monday afternoon in observation and sent home with what my doctor said was an 80/20 chance of miscarrying... If I didn't miscarry I was to follow up in 2 weeks at his office. Two weeks later I followed up and continued seeing the doctor for routine visits. The bleeding never stopped. I spotted and lightly bled the whole time but the baby was g...

If no one has noticed with my last few posts- I am totally not happy, depressed, overwhelmed and feeling really unappreciated... And I hate feeling this way. I have always struggled with an anxiety disorder and trying to look to the positive side of things has always been a helpful tool in keeping me going. And I know there are others out there who have things way worse but I cannot help but feel negative right now... Tomorrow I have a meeting with my son's school where he attends a special ed preschool and we are going to be reviewing "how well he is doing and how well he is achieving his goals" and his IEP (Individualized Education Plan) - to the parents who do not have child with special needs, yes this is a good thing BUT this is also a bad thing and currently it is more bad than good. This means that I am likely going to be walking into this meeting with a group of people who's initiative appears to be removing my son from the preschool program and are "n...

For some time I have felt very under appreciated. Like all the things I do go unnoticed and only the things I don't do or don't do "right" are noticed. I load the dish washer wrong or don't finish the laundry fast enough or clean up immediately... I personally don't see anything wrong with how I do things and yes, I do admit I don't clean up right away at times but that is usually because I am so over whelmed with everything else I am keeping up with. Last night I got to hear all about how I can't do anything right. I was so pissed off and hurt, after I put the kids to bed, I literally locked my husband out of our bedroom while I balled on the bed. Eventually I let him in and then I went off about how I am sick of feeling reprimanded for not doing things right and how all the things I do go unnoticed especially when I make it a point to tell him thank you for everything he does (because he DOES do a lot around the house). Afterwards I ran down a list...

There are people in this world I have chosen not to associate with as we either just do not get along for one reason or the next, those who only seemed to bring negativity to the table, those who only take and friendship only works one way for them and then there are those who's actions or words cross a line and offend to a point that I would rather not associate with them as my moral compass is pointed in a different direction. I feel I have officially lost a friend today. I say that I "officially" did because I no longer see them listed as one of my followers which means that they have cut the final tie. This person had been a friend of mine since we moved here a couple of years ago. This was someone whom we trusted each other enough to watch each of our kids, that I hung out with on a weekend for girl's night ins, or we did outings to the mall or taking our kids to the park or zoo together. She also introduced me to other people here in town who I am still frien...

Things have been hectic as usual. So much so that I wonder if anything in my life is going to ever revolve around MY schedule. As I say that I feel selfish but at the same time I don't. And when I say it, for example, I mean things like simply enjoying a relaxing hot bubble bath- I have been in my house for over 2 years now and one of the draws about the master bathroom was that it had a huge garden tub in it and I have yet to take a bath in it. There is only time in my life to get in quick showers and heaven forbid I take a shower long enough to shave my legs as that will send the kids or husband to the edge and they will begin banging on the door asking "how much longer" until I get out. My own body isn't even my own.... A month ago I ended up in the hospital. I had started my period about a week or so early one Saturday. That evening I was hemmorhaging and passing huge clots. It was late when it got bad like that and the kids were already asleep and my husband ha...

There are moments that every parent looks at their children and see just how much potential and hope and bright futures your child has before them. But as a parent of a special needs child, there are moments that you stare into the dark. You have no idea what the potentials really are and how far your child will succeed. You have no idea if they will ever be able to live a "normal" life and do the same things that peers their age will get to do. There are moments when you feel hopeless and you choke back with every ounce of strength you have left in your body the tears that want to pour down your face. We were having an "off day". "Off days" en tale of multiple meltdowns, eventually not only by my son, but by myself and my husband as we reach the points of not knowing how to handle him anymore and we loose our patience. These are the days that nothing you say seems to register and no one has any patience and I am asked for food as I literally scoop food...