Pelia
I have so many things I want to say, so many feelings I want to share but don't know where to start... I guess the only rational place would be is to describe the facts of the situation first and let it flow from there....
I went to the ER on a Saturday, Jan 21st... I went in as I had started what I thought was my period that afternoon but by that night I started hemorrhaging and passing huge blood clots.... I found out it was because I was pregnant, which I had no idea of, and I was having a "threatened miscarriage" which was something I had never heard of....This was all a total shock and I was kept in the hospital until Monday afternoon in observation and sent home with what my doctor said was an 80/20 chance of miscarrying... If I didn't miscarry I was to follow up in 2 weeks at his office.
Two weeks later I followed up and continued seeing the doctor for routine visits. The bleeding never stopped. I spotted and lightly bled the whole time but the baby was growing at a healthy rate, heart rate was good and an ultra sound was done at every appointment to check. I was told it was a high risk pregnancy, especially since we weren't sure why I was bleeding and if for any reason I was concerned and the office was open to head on over to check on the baby...
Wednesday, April 18th, I started having some lower back pain and a little bit more bleeding than usual but not heavy. I wasn't sure if the back pain was lower back labor pains or just my back going out/spasming as I have lower back issues and have literally thrown it out picking up a pillow that the kids knocked off the couch. So I went straight to the doctor's office and they did an ultra sound. The baby was doing fine but there was a spot on the placenta wall area and my doctor was not quite sure what it was but there was apparent blood flow in it. He checked everything, did a pelvic exam too to make sure no issues with the cervix and then asked if I would come back the next day and see the other doctor in the office who really specializes in a lot of complicated pregnancies and get his opinion on the ultra sound....
Went back Thursday and met with the other doctor. Did another ultrasound and the baby was still doing fine. He told me the spot was, and forgive me if I don't explain this right or use the correct terms, but a contusion(?) on the placenta wall and the blood was coming from a vein and where it was located was so close to the cervix and that was probably why I was still bleeding. He said the blood was mine, not the baby's, so as of that moment he wasn't too concerned it made any immediate danger to the baby, but like my doctor had previously talked to us about, if the bleeding was still going on by 24 weeks along they were going to probably start me on steroid shots to help the baby's lungs and organs develop in the high chance of me delivering a premie due to complications. He also was able to tell me at that appointment that I was having a girl.
Monday, April 23rd, I went to my routine doctors appointment. We discussed again what the other doctor had said, again went over all the risks we could potentially face and all of the procedures of how to handle the different possible situations that could come up. But we were optimistic. Then we did the ultrasound as usual. The "bubble" that your baby lives in while in the womb is filled with fluids, which on an ultrasound is that dark/black space the baby floats in on the ultrasound screen... There was no bubble... There was no fluids.... When we saw the screen we immediately knew something was wrong without the doctor saying it.... The doctor immediately called some of the specialist at the hospital and got their opinions. They wanted me to go in and start an IV of special antibiotics and get further checked out. I remember balling on the table/bed that I was laying on for the ultrasound and looking up at Mike who was holding me and fighting back tears himself.... After composing myself we headed for home. We had to pack for 2 days worth of a stay at minimum, figure out childcare for our kids and I made calls to all of my preschoolers' parents letting them know quickly I was going into the hospital and likely unavailable for the rest of the week....
It was late when we got to the hospital and by the time we were all set up in my room it was after midnight.... I was exhausted when the IV started but scared of what was going to happen. I was able to get some rest and they had me do an ultra sound, seeing my baby girl looking so squished in my womb without those fluids to cushion her and knowing that those fluids we essential to her survival was unbearable. My doctor came by and said he was going to speak with the specialists there and get there opinions as my pregnancy, with the bleeding the whole time and getting this far, was a rare case and wanted to see what they felt was the best next step to take.... What they had to say, you could see it broke my doctors heart to relay and his optimism he had held onto this whole time seemed to be crushed when he said he would ask the specialist to come in and speak with me so I can ask questions and she could better answer them for me....
We met with the OB specialist and the neonatal specialist from the NICU... Both of them explained how the baby's lungs were not developed yet and in order for them to develop we needed those fluids that were no longer there for the baby to drink as that is how the lungs are developed and that with how the baby was lacking those fluids for development she was also lacking the cushioning protection they provided from my own body squishing hers and that causes some developmental issues with bone structure, etc... If I was 3 weeks further along, we could of started steroid injections to help promote the baby's development but this early they would do no good. My body had gone into labor with my water breaking but because we were only 20 weeks along in the pregnancy, for labor to proceed and contractions to pick up on their own it could take up to 17 days, or less, for me to deliver. During that time I was at a severe risk for infections and blood loss and even though that could buy time on the baby's development, her development would not be normal and we were looking at a good scenario of her being born with both brain and physical issues, severe enough that she would probably not survive long after birth, live months of a very short life in the hospital doing numerous surgeries and recoveries, or be in a vegetable state. And those scenarios were if labor took that long, leaving both myself and the baby at extreme risks of deadly infections or blood loss and IF they baby would even survive to that point and both felt that I would not get that far along and both said that they felt my chances of her surviving were pretty much super slim to none and worried of my own life if I choose to risk it. A miracle of the fluids being magically refilled was the only way we were going to get through this so I could atleast get her to 23-24 weeks to deliver as a premie and with your water broken, the reality was that the fluids were not going to rebuild...Both specialist felt it was best to induce the labor so that the contractions proceeded more quickly so I would deliver sooner than later.
We had to finish the IV antibiotics before anything could be done either way and decided to do one more ultra sound as it had been over 24 hours since the last one. We wanted to see if there were still no fluids, that they didn't miraculously build back up. A confirmation that we were doing the right thing, making the right choice.... I was terrified. I could not bear to see her being squished again. All I wanted was to see those fluids again. She was a fighter this whole time, maybe things would be on her side and she would have a chance to get to 23 weeks and start steroid injections.... The ultrasound showed no change... The lady doing the ultrasound kindly left the ultrasound room so we could cry in peace...
They moved me to the Labor and Delivery room late Thursday night. They gave me the medicine that gets the contractions moving faster. I was already having a few small ones before they moved me to the new room. I was given an epidural as I was familiar with the labor pains and could not bare anymore... I was also given some medicine to help me rest some as my stress was through the roof. Between that and my blood pressure dropping and being beyond exhausted at this point everything became a blur.... It was too surreal.... I spiked a fever and so they put me back on antibiotics and checked my blood pressure every couple of hours as I was at risk for too much blood loss.... I remember crying to the nurse when she came to check my temp while Michael was sleeping... Telling her how we just found out it was a girl and how we had already been through so much with the pregnancy already that I felt like we were failing now, and how I just got a bunch of newborn-3 month size baby girl clothes and registered for items online... How I didn't know how I was going to tell the kids and that I was scared and felt helpless as there was nothing modern medicine good do at this stage of pregnancy to save her....
Around 4 a.m. Friday, April 27th, I felt pressure and knew we were close and asked that the nurse stay close by... 4:21 a.m. she was born. We named her Pelia which is Hebrew for "wonder, miracle". It was surreal... like a dream... Mike cut the cord and held her wrapping her in the little pink blanket they gave us for her. She was so tiny, 9 oz, but beautiful. She had all 10 fingers and all 10 toes, she couldn't open her eyes or cry out like when my other children were born. At this point my blood pressure dropped severely, so I was in and out of consciousness. I was scared to hold her, not only because I didn't want to drop her but I was scared it would make this nightmare real... Oh how I wish it was all a horrible dream... I told him to keep her warm as he held her up by me so we could soak in everything about her. She had his nose. She was a fighter to the end. She didn't have lungs yet but she held on and lived for 44 minutes after she was born...Too short... As soon as they said she was gone I couldn't hold consciousness anymore and began passing in and out... I remember the doctor saying I was bleeding too much and part of the placenta was stuck causing me to bleed too much and them saying I was needing blood... I don't remember them giving me the transfusion but I woke up with a second IV in my other arm attached to an almost empty blood bag. I learned they had to give me to of the bags worth of blood as I lost so much. But from that point on they wanted to keep me in observation for at least 24 hours to keep an eye on my blood pressure and temp as I finished the second antibiotic regiment.
We had her Baptized. I honestly am not a very religious person but it was one of the few things we were told about that I felt we could do for her. We decided to have her cremated too. We have talked about one day spreading her ashes on the beach in FL where I grew up as it is one of the prettiest places I know and no matter where we ever move to we can always go visit her there.
They told us late Friday that we were going home pretty much first thing in the morning Saturday. I told the nurse I wanted to hold her before we left as I had not gotten to actually hold her yet. They brought her in wrapped in her little blanket and I held her. She was so tiny. Her skin was so soft. She had Mike's nose. Her fingers and toes were perfect. Tiny feet... I began to ball holding her. Mike held me. It became real holding her.... It made everything reality... When the nurse came back to take her I wanted to yell for her, for anyone, to do something, anything, to save her, despite knowing she was gone.... But I couldn't speak...
I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason... But the rational logic in my head hates myself for saying that cliche... What god would ever put a family through this.... Why!? I am so angry! Why?!? I was her mother... She was in my womb... I was supposed to carry her, take care of her and protect her.... I could do any of that... There were complications from the beginning and I was told I was going to miscarry but she was a fighter, she held strong the whole time. Why couldn't I have fought for her? Why couldn't I have the tools and better medicine to save her? Its not fair.... I feel like I failed her...I feel so helpless...
My husband and my children have been my life savers. I don't know how much harder this would be if they were not there for me to hug and hold... My friends and even complete strangers have opened up their hearts to us and have been bringing us meals, which has been so greatly appreciated...
Was speaking to my cousin/best friend and she said something I know I needed to hear... "I don't even know why I get up in the morning but I'm gonna do it if it makes someone happy..." If I hang onto that I will let time do the rest...
Two weeks later I followed up and continued seeing the doctor for routine visits. The bleeding never stopped. I spotted and lightly bled the whole time but the baby was growing at a healthy rate, heart rate was good and an ultra sound was done at every appointment to check. I was told it was a high risk pregnancy, especially since we weren't sure why I was bleeding and if for any reason I was concerned and the office was open to head on over to check on the baby...
Wednesday, April 18th, I started having some lower back pain and a little bit more bleeding than usual but not heavy. I wasn't sure if the back pain was lower back labor pains or just my back going out/spasming as I have lower back issues and have literally thrown it out picking up a pillow that the kids knocked off the couch. So I went straight to the doctor's office and they did an ultra sound. The baby was doing fine but there was a spot on the placenta wall area and my doctor was not quite sure what it was but there was apparent blood flow in it. He checked everything, did a pelvic exam too to make sure no issues with the cervix and then asked if I would come back the next day and see the other doctor in the office who really specializes in a lot of complicated pregnancies and get his opinion on the ultra sound....
Went back Thursday and met with the other doctor. Did another ultrasound and the baby was still doing fine. He told me the spot was, and forgive me if I don't explain this right or use the correct terms, but a contusion(?) on the placenta wall and the blood was coming from a vein and where it was located was so close to the cervix and that was probably why I was still bleeding. He said the blood was mine, not the baby's, so as of that moment he wasn't too concerned it made any immediate danger to the baby, but like my doctor had previously talked to us about, if the bleeding was still going on by 24 weeks along they were going to probably start me on steroid shots to help the baby's lungs and organs develop in the high chance of me delivering a premie due to complications. He also was able to tell me at that appointment that I was having a girl.
Monday, April 23rd, I went to my routine doctors appointment. We discussed again what the other doctor had said, again went over all the risks we could potentially face and all of the procedures of how to handle the different possible situations that could come up. But we were optimistic. Then we did the ultrasound as usual. The "bubble" that your baby lives in while in the womb is filled with fluids, which on an ultrasound is that dark/black space the baby floats in on the ultrasound screen... There was no bubble... There was no fluids.... When we saw the screen we immediately knew something was wrong without the doctor saying it.... The doctor immediately called some of the specialist at the hospital and got their opinions. They wanted me to go in and start an IV of special antibiotics and get further checked out. I remember balling on the table/bed that I was laying on for the ultrasound and looking up at Mike who was holding me and fighting back tears himself.... After composing myself we headed for home. We had to pack for 2 days worth of a stay at minimum, figure out childcare for our kids and I made calls to all of my preschoolers' parents letting them know quickly I was going into the hospital and likely unavailable for the rest of the week....
It was late when we got to the hospital and by the time we were all set up in my room it was after midnight.... I was exhausted when the IV started but scared of what was going to happen. I was able to get some rest and they had me do an ultra sound, seeing my baby girl looking so squished in my womb without those fluids to cushion her and knowing that those fluids we essential to her survival was unbearable. My doctor came by and said he was going to speak with the specialists there and get there opinions as my pregnancy, with the bleeding the whole time and getting this far, was a rare case and wanted to see what they felt was the best next step to take.... What they had to say, you could see it broke my doctors heart to relay and his optimism he had held onto this whole time seemed to be crushed when he said he would ask the specialist to come in and speak with me so I can ask questions and she could better answer them for me....
We met with the OB specialist and the neonatal specialist from the NICU... Both of them explained how the baby's lungs were not developed yet and in order for them to develop we needed those fluids that were no longer there for the baby to drink as that is how the lungs are developed and that with how the baby was lacking those fluids for development she was also lacking the cushioning protection they provided from my own body squishing hers and that causes some developmental issues with bone structure, etc... If I was 3 weeks further along, we could of started steroid injections to help promote the baby's development but this early they would do no good. My body had gone into labor with my water breaking but because we were only 20 weeks along in the pregnancy, for labor to proceed and contractions to pick up on their own it could take up to 17 days, or less, for me to deliver. During that time I was at a severe risk for infections and blood loss and even though that could buy time on the baby's development, her development would not be normal and we were looking at a good scenario of her being born with both brain and physical issues, severe enough that she would probably not survive long after birth, live months of a very short life in the hospital doing numerous surgeries and recoveries, or be in a vegetable state. And those scenarios were if labor took that long, leaving both myself and the baby at extreme risks of deadly infections or blood loss and IF they baby would even survive to that point and both felt that I would not get that far along and both said that they felt my chances of her surviving were pretty much super slim to none and worried of my own life if I choose to risk it. A miracle of the fluids being magically refilled was the only way we were going to get through this so I could atleast get her to 23-24 weeks to deliver as a premie and with your water broken, the reality was that the fluids were not going to rebuild...Both specialist felt it was best to induce the labor so that the contractions proceeded more quickly so I would deliver sooner than later.
We had to finish the IV antibiotics before anything could be done either way and decided to do one more ultra sound as it had been over 24 hours since the last one. We wanted to see if there were still no fluids, that they didn't miraculously build back up. A confirmation that we were doing the right thing, making the right choice.... I was terrified. I could not bear to see her being squished again. All I wanted was to see those fluids again. She was a fighter this whole time, maybe things would be on her side and she would have a chance to get to 23 weeks and start steroid injections.... The ultrasound showed no change... The lady doing the ultrasound kindly left the ultrasound room so we could cry in peace...
They moved me to the Labor and Delivery room late Thursday night. They gave me the medicine that gets the contractions moving faster. I was already having a few small ones before they moved me to the new room. I was given an epidural as I was familiar with the labor pains and could not bare anymore... I was also given some medicine to help me rest some as my stress was through the roof. Between that and my blood pressure dropping and being beyond exhausted at this point everything became a blur.... It was too surreal.... I spiked a fever and so they put me back on antibiotics and checked my blood pressure every couple of hours as I was at risk for too much blood loss.... I remember crying to the nurse when she came to check my temp while Michael was sleeping... Telling her how we just found out it was a girl and how we had already been through so much with the pregnancy already that I felt like we were failing now, and how I just got a bunch of newborn-3 month size baby girl clothes and registered for items online... How I didn't know how I was going to tell the kids and that I was scared and felt helpless as there was nothing modern medicine good do at this stage of pregnancy to save her....
Around 4 a.m. Friday, April 27th, I felt pressure and knew we were close and asked that the nurse stay close by... 4:21 a.m. she was born. We named her Pelia which is Hebrew for "wonder, miracle". It was surreal... like a dream... Mike cut the cord and held her wrapping her in the little pink blanket they gave us for her. She was so tiny, 9 oz, but beautiful. She had all 10 fingers and all 10 toes, she couldn't open her eyes or cry out like when my other children were born. At this point my blood pressure dropped severely, so I was in and out of consciousness. I was scared to hold her, not only because I didn't want to drop her but I was scared it would make this nightmare real... Oh how I wish it was all a horrible dream... I told him to keep her warm as he held her up by me so we could soak in everything about her. She had his nose. She was a fighter to the end. She didn't have lungs yet but she held on and lived for 44 minutes after she was born...Too short... As soon as they said she was gone I couldn't hold consciousness anymore and began passing in and out... I remember the doctor saying I was bleeding too much and part of the placenta was stuck causing me to bleed too much and them saying I was needing blood... I don't remember them giving me the transfusion but I woke up with a second IV in my other arm attached to an almost empty blood bag. I learned they had to give me to of the bags worth of blood as I lost so much. But from that point on they wanted to keep me in observation for at least 24 hours to keep an eye on my blood pressure and temp as I finished the second antibiotic regiment.
We had her Baptized. I honestly am not a very religious person but it was one of the few things we were told about that I felt we could do for her. We decided to have her cremated too. We have talked about one day spreading her ashes on the beach in FL where I grew up as it is one of the prettiest places I know and no matter where we ever move to we can always go visit her there.
They told us late Friday that we were going home pretty much first thing in the morning Saturday. I told the nurse I wanted to hold her before we left as I had not gotten to actually hold her yet. They brought her in wrapped in her little blanket and I held her. She was so tiny. Her skin was so soft. She had Mike's nose. Her fingers and toes were perfect. Tiny feet... I began to ball holding her. Mike held me. It became real holding her.... It made everything reality... When the nurse came back to take her I wanted to yell for her, for anyone, to do something, anything, to save her, despite knowing she was gone.... But I couldn't speak...
I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason... But the rational logic in my head hates myself for saying that cliche... What god would ever put a family through this.... Why!? I am so angry! Why?!? I was her mother... She was in my womb... I was supposed to carry her, take care of her and protect her.... I could do any of that... There were complications from the beginning and I was told I was going to miscarry but she was a fighter, she held strong the whole time. Why couldn't I have fought for her? Why couldn't I have the tools and better medicine to save her? Its not fair.... I feel like I failed her...I feel so helpless...
My husband and my children have been my life savers. I don't know how much harder this would be if they were not there for me to hug and hold... My friends and even complete strangers have opened up their hearts to us and have been bringing us meals, which has been so greatly appreciated...
Was speaking to my cousin/best friend and she said something I know I needed to hear... "I don't even know why I get up in the morning but I'm gonna do it if it makes someone happy..." If I hang onto that I will let time do the rest...
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