My letter to Santa
I started this post a couple of weeks ago so please dismiss the off time line:
This morning started out rough. I woke up using what seemed like all the energy I had after a night of tossing and turning, just to pull myself out of bed. My body ached as if I was fighting off some sort of cold with no symptoms other than fatigue. I woke up Paxston and Mikey while Mike continued sleeping and grabbed clothes for them to wear to school and rushed downstiars to start making breakfast and packing Paxston's lunch before the preschoolers started arriving.
Yesterday was Paxston's birthday. I cannot believe she is already 6 years old. After my preschoolers were picked up yesterday we went out to eat at Panda Express- not the fanciest but she has been begging to go there for a while and asked if we could go for her birthday so we figured we could splurge as long as we didn't go nuts on what we ordered. We split an orange chicken and fried rice bowl and a couple of sides of chow mein noodles between the 5 of us (Mike, me, Paxston, Mikey and Jayden). Lily enjoyed her bottle while we ate. Paxston was upset that she couldn't have more than a water cup though so we decided we could make rootbeer floats when we got home instead and that helped ease her disappointment. Afterwards we headed to Walmart to pick up our Christmas tree and to let Paxston pick out a bicycle helmet for her birthday gift- she wants to learn how to ride her bike. We had bought our tree online when it was on sale and had it shipped to the store so we didn't have to worry about shipping costs. I got to the check out and my debit card wouldn't go through, so we tried again as the cashier said her machine sometimes doesn't work right and it still did not work. Luckily I had my business account card on me and that went through. Paxston and I headed over to where Mike was standing with Mikey, Jayden and Lily and I told him about how the card wouldn't go through and he reacted with the same confusion I had so he pulled up the transactions via text message on his cell as we walked to the van. He started going off on me in the car as there was a debit transaction for over $60 and I didn't know what it was for...
"How much did you spend on groceries?!"
"I don't remember the dollar amount but I don;t think it was that much.."
"What do you mean, why can't you remember?!"
"Sorry I just didn't memorize the exact amount, it was around $50... it was groceries"
"Well our account is down to $20... We had $700 the other day"
I had been declined at Walmart trying to buy my daughter a birthday present which is just embarrassing and now my husband is yelling at me as I drive us all home because our account is super low and I can't remember to the exact penny how much I spent on groceries and he is the one who does the bill pay and check book....
"we can check it out online as soon as we are at the house on the computer" I tell him.
We got home and the $60something transaction was actually what he spent at home depot.... So I transferred $100 of the $200 we had in savings to checking to cover us as the gas we put in the van hadn't posted yet.
I was frustrated. I am tired of this. I am so sick of being broke. And the frustrating part is that its my husband's selfishness that is the reason for it. Everything he does he regrets or realizes that it wasn't the best idea but its always in hindsight of the fact and too late to turn around. He just had to have the car he used to have (a VW Phaeton - look it up here http://consumerguideauto.howstuffworks.com/all-volkswagen-phaetons.htm ). And the one he traded it for is still over $500 a month (don't get me started on the old payment)- and I didn't get to sit there and have a say in it. He went to a dealership to "check out this car" and if it was a good deal for us, considering we had to roll over some negative equity, we were thinking of doing the trade, and instead he comes home with the new car. This type of situation has happened many times in our life together. At one time, yes, he made really good money and we not only were able to pay our bills, but put money into savings and still be able to go out and do things and buy things without too much worry. And leaving the job that paid the good money was in the absolute best interest of not only him but our whole family. But that meant we still had the same monthly bills coming in and way less income to pay for them. It has been a struggle since trying to keep afloat and to get everything in line with our new income as because of the amounts still owed it left negative equity, no bank or lender is willing to refinance things that have negative equity, you cannot trade items with negative equity, etc...
Fast forward:
Christmas is a week and a half away. I have yet to find gifts for everyone that I can afford. I just can't afford anything. I have already put the money that I have scraped up for christmas presents towards our bills, electric, groceries, phone, etc..
The other week I broke down in tears telling my mom how embarrassed I was getting declined at Walmart buying Paxston a bicycle helmet for her birthday and how I didn't know how we were going to afford hardly any Christmas gifts for the kids and asked if she and my dad wouldn't mind grabbing a few specific items I knew the kids wanted but I couldn't afford. A stuffed animal and a bicycle bell- I was humiliated. I didn't know what else to do. Such simple things and I can't get them for my beautiful children. I was just thankful I had bought a few things earlier in the year so they would have something.
I have to get groceries and cannot afford anything until Friday and even come Friday I am not sure how much we can afford to get. We don't buy expensive things and I consider myself pretty thrifty with coupons to the point that I can make breakfast for me and 7 kids for about $2 for the whole meal. This morning I had no eggs, no sausage, no cereal or oatmeal, no pancake mix, nothing... So I found a recipe for eggless pancakes from scratch as I had things like flower and sugar and baking powder, etc... And I used our last can of spaghetti sauce when I made spaghetti for lunch. I pulled one of the free loaves of bread (a friend of the family works for a food bank and occasionally they end up with loaves that are close to their expiration date so she gets to take them home and she shares them and we get a few loaves and just freeze them until we need them), and I made peanut butter and jelly for dinner.
Tomorrow will be similar, the same pancakes I made today, probably grilled cheese and carrot sticks for lunch. I have no idea what we will do for dinner yet though. So here is my letter...
Dear Santa,
When do you say enough? I try to be a humble person, and I always strive to be the person that others could turn to. I will tell my friends that if you are my friend, know that I am the type of person who will "give you the shirt off their back". I was raised to be that way and I am grateful for it. I enjoy helping others, including those who I may not know, it doesn't matter. I have done my best to be a good person this year, Santa. But I have stretched myself so thin in doing so. I need help now. I know there are others who need it more than me and deserve it more too but I am human too and just need a little help too.
I look at my children's faces as they tell me they are hungry for dinner and I have to fight back tears as I stare into a bare cupboard and don't know what I can make for them as we don't have the food or ingredients to make food with what we have left of pantry staples. I can tell my oldest sees it in my eyes. She is aware something is off. I just want to shield them from ever being hungry so I manage figure out some makeshift meal using what I have. But I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. But we are not starving and my kids are going to bed at night with food in their stomachs and bills are getting paid, even if it means working 12-13 hour days, 12 days in a row and selling things around the house that we could live without of, especially if it means food on the table. My husband has even turned his hobbies into part time income to help too.
For Christmas this year bring me perseverance, Please. I am not asking for a million dollars (though it would be nice), but just bring me some more patience and strength. I have always been a huge believer in karma and I have tried so hard to create some positive vibes for my family with always trying to do what I think is right and now I am asking for that karma to come back to me and give me the ability to keep it up, for my kids. That is all I ask for this year.
Thank you
This morning started out rough. I woke up using what seemed like all the energy I had after a night of tossing and turning, just to pull myself out of bed. My body ached as if I was fighting off some sort of cold with no symptoms other than fatigue. I woke up Paxston and Mikey while Mike continued sleeping and grabbed clothes for them to wear to school and rushed downstiars to start making breakfast and packing Paxston's lunch before the preschoolers started arriving.
Yesterday was Paxston's birthday. I cannot believe she is already 6 years old. After my preschoolers were picked up yesterday we went out to eat at Panda Express- not the fanciest but she has been begging to go there for a while and asked if we could go for her birthday so we figured we could splurge as long as we didn't go nuts on what we ordered. We split an orange chicken and fried rice bowl and a couple of sides of chow mein noodles between the 5 of us (Mike, me, Paxston, Mikey and Jayden). Lily enjoyed her bottle while we ate. Paxston was upset that she couldn't have more than a water cup though so we decided we could make rootbeer floats when we got home instead and that helped ease her disappointment. Afterwards we headed to Walmart to pick up our Christmas tree and to let Paxston pick out a bicycle helmet for her birthday gift- she wants to learn how to ride her bike. We had bought our tree online when it was on sale and had it shipped to the store so we didn't have to worry about shipping costs. I got to the check out and my debit card wouldn't go through, so we tried again as the cashier said her machine sometimes doesn't work right and it still did not work. Luckily I had my business account card on me and that went through. Paxston and I headed over to where Mike was standing with Mikey, Jayden and Lily and I told him about how the card wouldn't go through and he reacted with the same confusion I had so he pulled up the transactions via text message on his cell as we walked to the van. He started going off on me in the car as there was a debit transaction for over $60 and I didn't know what it was for...
"How much did you spend on groceries?!"
"I don't remember the dollar amount but I don;t think it was that much.."
"What do you mean, why can't you remember?!"
"Sorry I just didn't memorize the exact amount, it was around $50... it was groceries"
"Well our account is down to $20... We had $700 the other day"
I had been declined at Walmart trying to buy my daughter a birthday present which is just embarrassing and now my husband is yelling at me as I drive us all home because our account is super low and I can't remember to the exact penny how much I spent on groceries and he is the one who does the bill pay and check book....
"we can check it out online as soon as we are at the house on the computer" I tell him.
We got home and the $60something transaction was actually what he spent at home depot.... So I transferred $100 of the $200 we had in savings to checking to cover us as the gas we put in the van hadn't posted yet.
I was frustrated. I am tired of this. I am so sick of being broke. And the frustrating part is that its my husband's selfishness that is the reason for it. Everything he does he regrets or realizes that it wasn't the best idea but its always in hindsight of the fact and too late to turn around. He just had to have the car he used to have (a VW Phaeton - look it up here http://consumerguideauto.howstuffworks.com/all-volkswagen-phaetons.htm ). And the one he traded it for is still over $500 a month (don't get me started on the old payment)- and I didn't get to sit there and have a say in it. He went to a dealership to "check out this car" and if it was a good deal for us, considering we had to roll over some negative equity, we were thinking of doing the trade, and instead he comes home with the new car. This type of situation has happened many times in our life together. At one time, yes, he made really good money and we not only were able to pay our bills, but put money into savings and still be able to go out and do things and buy things without too much worry. And leaving the job that paid the good money was in the absolute best interest of not only him but our whole family. But that meant we still had the same monthly bills coming in and way less income to pay for them. It has been a struggle since trying to keep afloat and to get everything in line with our new income as because of the amounts still owed it left negative equity, no bank or lender is willing to refinance things that have negative equity, you cannot trade items with negative equity, etc...
Fast forward:
Christmas is a week and a half away. I have yet to find gifts for everyone that I can afford. I just can't afford anything. I have already put the money that I have scraped up for christmas presents towards our bills, electric, groceries, phone, etc..
The other week I broke down in tears telling my mom how embarrassed I was getting declined at Walmart buying Paxston a bicycle helmet for her birthday and how I didn't know how we were going to afford hardly any Christmas gifts for the kids and asked if she and my dad wouldn't mind grabbing a few specific items I knew the kids wanted but I couldn't afford. A stuffed animal and a bicycle bell- I was humiliated. I didn't know what else to do. Such simple things and I can't get them for my beautiful children. I was just thankful I had bought a few things earlier in the year so they would have something.
I have to get groceries and cannot afford anything until Friday and even come Friday I am not sure how much we can afford to get. We don't buy expensive things and I consider myself pretty thrifty with coupons to the point that I can make breakfast for me and 7 kids for about $2 for the whole meal. This morning I had no eggs, no sausage, no cereal or oatmeal, no pancake mix, nothing... So I found a recipe for eggless pancakes from scratch as I had things like flower and sugar and baking powder, etc... And I used our last can of spaghetti sauce when I made spaghetti for lunch. I pulled one of the free loaves of bread (a friend of the family works for a food bank and occasionally they end up with loaves that are close to their expiration date so she gets to take them home and she shares them and we get a few loaves and just freeze them until we need them), and I made peanut butter and jelly for dinner.
Tomorrow will be similar, the same pancakes I made today, probably grilled cheese and carrot sticks for lunch. I have no idea what we will do for dinner yet though. So here is my letter...
Dear Santa,
When do you say enough? I try to be a humble person, and I always strive to be the person that others could turn to. I will tell my friends that if you are my friend, know that I am the type of person who will "give you the shirt off their back". I was raised to be that way and I am grateful for it. I enjoy helping others, including those who I may not know, it doesn't matter. I have done my best to be a good person this year, Santa. But I have stretched myself so thin in doing so. I need help now. I know there are others who need it more than me and deserve it more too but I am human too and just need a little help too.
I look at my children's faces as they tell me they are hungry for dinner and I have to fight back tears as I stare into a bare cupboard and don't know what I can make for them as we don't have the food or ingredients to make food with what we have left of pantry staples. I can tell my oldest sees it in my eyes. She is aware something is off. I just want to shield them from ever being hungry so I manage figure out some makeshift meal using what I have. But I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. But we are not starving and my kids are going to bed at night with food in their stomachs and bills are getting paid, even if it means working 12-13 hour days, 12 days in a row and selling things around the house that we could live without of, especially if it means food on the table. My husband has even turned his hobbies into part time income to help too.
For Christmas this year bring me perseverance, Please. I am not asking for a million dollars (though it would be nice), but just bring me some more patience and strength. I have always been a huge believer in karma and I have tried so hard to create some positive vibes for my family with always trying to do what I think is right and now I am asking for that karma to come back to me and give me the ability to keep it up, for my kids. That is all I ask for this year.
Thank you
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