Fears and Cheers
I was reading the blog of a dear friend of mine and in it she was discussing the anxieties and worries a parent has of their child growing up and finding love especially when that child has thier own "scars", whether it be a literal scar, a health concern or even emotional scarring.... And I caught myself as I read her posting, thinking about my own "scars" and how that has effected my own life and my own relationships and I began to run my own fears through my head for my own children- are you ever inspired to write about something after reading something by someone else?.... (so this is my fears)....
My daughter is loving and outgoing. My husband and I tease that she will be the next big diva as she gets older as anytime the radio is on she is singing and dancing along (and she does know most of the lyrics). But at the same time, my daughter is not like most girls her age. Yes, she loves playing dress up and with her princess and fairy dolls, but she would rather watch the discovery channel or national geographic or any show that involves the FBI/crime fighting- she loves Bones, Criminal Minds and Without a Trace -but she is only 5. For the past 2-3 years she has had an obsession with archeology and palentology. When going to the library she immediately goes to the information section that's aimed more towards preteens and grabs the books filled with info on skeletons and dinsouars and fossils instead of the story books for her age filled with fairy tales and princesses and talking animals... Because of these interests that are so far different from most of the other kids she meets, she seems to lack certain social skills or knows how to strike up a conversation with other kids on a topic that they would mutually enjoy or have interest in too. She is eccentric even, but she is outgoing and kind but just a nerd at the same time and I know she notices the differences in her likes versus those of her peers as she has come to me upset multiple times, many of which in tears, asking why the other kids didn't want to play with her when she pulled out her dinosuars or why they just want to play house and don't want to check out the books shes been burried happily in. And I have watched as the girls on the playground have shunned her when she approached them to play and I find myself holding her tight and just reassuring her that its ok that they don't always find interest in the same things because we are all different and that's what makes us special and I remind her of how proud her parents are of her learning and seeking out knowledge on her own like she does and that when she grows up of how that information she learns will take her to places many poeple only dream about.
My son's situation is a whole book of fear in itself. He is one of the most loving little boys in the world but I fear for him as grows up and worry about how he will be going into adult hood. Will he be living with us the rest of his life or have to be in an adult community so a caretaker can check in on him and if so who will speak up for him after we die or will he be able to learn how to live in the "real world"? Will he be able to function enough to get a job and keep it, will mentally & emotionally he be capable of having an adult relationship with a spouse or will he be alone his whole life because he doesn't have the capacity to have an adult relationship? Will he end up being taken advantage of because he is so willing to love and trust others or will he end up as one of those misfortunate autistic adults that end up in the wrong place at the wrong time and the police do not realize its autism causing him to not be able to follow their directions and he ends up being shot and killed? I want to ball up and cry in just fear of not knowing what lays ahead for him. We have been doing the early intervention and 5 days of his week are filled with therapy sessions or his special preschool or both and he has made such progress but how far will it go? Will he reach a certain point and thats it? Or will his whole life be therapy? These unknowns drive my thoughts into depression and unfortunately there are not even specialist who can give me an answer.
But as I type these thoughts out I need a topic change....
So I made it official. I turned in my keys to the office on Tuesday and I just emailed in my resignation letter. I am happy things went well and no one was mad I was going. They were sad to see me go and insisted that I stay in contact and if anything changed to where i could come back they wanted me there. I am going to miss it too. I loved the job and the people I worked with. And the idea of not working for someone scares me as I have always worked. But I will still be working but now as my own boss and in my own home and I will never be able to get another chance of having this time with my family like this so I am optomisticly telling myself that everything will work out even though I know things may get tight for us financially until we get everything settled...
But my baby daughter just smiled her first real smile this morning at me (not a "gas smile") so Happy Days ahead!
My daughter is loving and outgoing. My husband and I tease that she will be the next big diva as she gets older as anytime the radio is on she is singing and dancing along (and she does know most of the lyrics). But at the same time, my daughter is not like most girls her age. Yes, she loves playing dress up and with her princess and fairy dolls, but she would rather watch the discovery channel or national geographic or any show that involves the FBI/crime fighting- she loves Bones, Criminal Minds and Without a Trace -but she is only 5. For the past 2-3 years she has had an obsession with archeology and palentology. When going to the library she immediately goes to the information section that's aimed more towards preteens and grabs the books filled with info on skeletons and dinsouars and fossils instead of the story books for her age filled with fairy tales and princesses and talking animals... Because of these interests that are so far different from most of the other kids she meets, she seems to lack certain social skills or knows how to strike up a conversation with other kids on a topic that they would mutually enjoy or have interest in too. She is eccentric even, but she is outgoing and kind but just a nerd at the same time and I know she notices the differences in her likes versus those of her peers as she has come to me upset multiple times, many of which in tears, asking why the other kids didn't want to play with her when she pulled out her dinosuars or why they just want to play house and don't want to check out the books shes been burried happily in. And I have watched as the girls on the playground have shunned her when she approached them to play and I find myself holding her tight and just reassuring her that its ok that they don't always find interest in the same things because we are all different and that's what makes us special and I remind her of how proud her parents are of her learning and seeking out knowledge on her own like she does and that when she grows up of how that information she learns will take her to places many poeple only dream about.
My son's situation is a whole book of fear in itself. He is one of the most loving little boys in the world but I fear for him as grows up and worry about how he will be going into adult hood. Will he be living with us the rest of his life or have to be in an adult community so a caretaker can check in on him and if so who will speak up for him after we die or will he be able to learn how to live in the "real world"? Will he be able to function enough to get a job and keep it, will mentally & emotionally he be capable of having an adult relationship with a spouse or will he be alone his whole life because he doesn't have the capacity to have an adult relationship? Will he end up being taken advantage of because he is so willing to love and trust others or will he end up as one of those misfortunate autistic adults that end up in the wrong place at the wrong time and the police do not realize its autism causing him to not be able to follow their directions and he ends up being shot and killed? I want to ball up and cry in just fear of not knowing what lays ahead for him. We have been doing the early intervention and 5 days of his week are filled with therapy sessions or his special preschool or both and he has made such progress but how far will it go? Will he reach a certain point and thats it? Or will his whole life be therapy? These unknowns drive my thoughts into depression and unfortunately there are not even specialist who can give me an answer.
But as I type these thoughts out I need a topic change....
So I made it official. I turned in my keys to the office on Tuesday and I just emailed in my resignation letter. I am happy things went well and no one was mad I was going. They were sad to see me go and insisted that I stay in contact and if anything changed to where i could come back they wanted me there. I am going to miss it too. I loved the job and the people I worked with. And the idea of not working for someone scares me as I have always worked. But I will still be working but now as my own boss and in my own home and I will never be able to get another chance of having this time with my family like this so I am optomisticly telling myself that everything will work out even though I know things may get tight for us financially until we get everything settled...
But my baby daughter just smiled her first real smile this morning at me (not a "gas smile") so Happy Days ahead!
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